This month we are asking everyone to be more aware of the difficulties boys face in adoption. We are raising awareness that being a boy has become a special need in waiting children. This is even a greater problem for older boys. Drawing attention to this issue has provoked great discussions with many many waiting and adoptive families. We are reminded that to change an issue you must first become aware and that education is crucial to change.
Today a wonderful adoptive Dad speaks about adopting a boy and changing our thought processes in adoption and life. Mostly Keith shares about the joy adoption has brought to his life. We are ever so privileged to know this wonderful Dad and his family. Thank you so much for sharing what adoption has brought to you and your thoughts!! So remember, Boys Rock your Heart!!!
The
Problem of Being a Boy
“Cool guys don’t watch explosions.
They just walk away.”
This was the sage advice or observation given to me by over
the weekend by my 9 year old son...as he finished defending our yard from ‘bad
guys’ (aka leaves) with his ‘cannon’ (aka leaf blower). I asked him to explain and he demonstrated by
casually pointing the leaf blower at a pile of leaves without looking and
calmly walked away while the sky erupted into a plume of flying leaves. I asked where he learned that – he said he
read it in a book. Guess I’ll have to
figure out what books he is reading.
Doesn’t sound like something out Thomas the Tank Engine or Curious
George. Actually, a bit of Googling and
it appears that once again I am way out of touch. Apparently The Lonely Island wrote a song by
this title...and there must be a connection to the video game Minecraft as
there are dozens of YouTube videos of Minecraft by that title!
As I start, I realize that writing about gender is pretty
thin ice – likelihood of offense is great.
I am not intending to offend anyone.
I am not trying to say boys are better than girls – or that girls
haven’t been discriminated against for many years and still are.
My point is simply this:
My son had two strikes against him:
being a boy and being older. They
are typically older because they are not adopted out of institutional care as
quickly. They languish in the system
longer than girls.
When you parent a boy you get it all...muddy
footprints... greasy hands (‘cause that bike wasn’t going to fix itself!)...things
taken apart for no apparent reason...and the excited declaration that ‘I can
jump up and spin around one and half times and land on the couch! Wanna see?’.
You also get smiles, proud moments, accomplishments, helpful hands, and
a care and concern for others.
I am a dad to two girls and three boys, 1 of each by
adoption. I am thankful for the care
that my son received prior to adoption.
I believe that the consistent foster care he experienced as normally as
a child in that situation could.
Somebody cared enough...even though he was a boy.
The statistics bear out this bias – particularly in
international adoption...and particularly in special needs adoption.
So why is it that it seems that girls are preferred over
boys in international adoption? I think
many consider boys to be ‘scarier’ to raise.
I personally don’t see this in practice.
Is it different? Sure. But not easier or safer. Parenting takes courage no matter what!
Maybe it is because they appear angrier...when placed in
high stress fight/flight situations (being orphaned) maybe boys appear or
present as angry, defiant, or mad. Their
coping mechanisms are perceived as negative.
Maybe girls present more downtrodden and prospective parents perceive
them as being more in need of rescue.
I think sometimes the descriptions of the children seem
tilted unsuspectingly against boys.
Girls are described as being playful, enjoying toys, likes crafts and
coloring, plays well with others, helps the staff care for younger
children. Boys on the other hand are
described as...well...boys...plays roughly, is sometimes ‘naughty’, is
mischievous, likes to tease others, is active (read by most as ‘will peel the
paint off the walls if not kept busy) and acts like he is in charge. If you read the two...who wouldn’t opt for
the little girl?
Additionally, at least for waiting children, photos of
the kids are posted on-line. As people
review the lists, how can they not be drawn to the cute kids, the ones with sad
eyes, a winning smile, the ones with the cute bows in their hair. Think of it this way: when people post their
profile photo to an on-line dating site, do they use their DMV photo...or worse
yet...the 2:00 AM booking photo from that social gathering that went bad back
in college? No way! They hit the local Glamour Shots to get a
‘wow’ photo of themselves. I realize
that is a silly analogy but think of it the perspective of a child in the
system. Strange people walk in one
day...another surprise occurrence in your world of not knowing what is coming
next. They look you over and line you up
against a wall and snap a quick photo.
That’s it. That’s the one shot
you got. If you were scared and
crying...if you were angry and trying to fight back against what was
happening...yes, that is what is captured and presented to the world as ‘this
is me and I want you to want me’.
SuperKids brings so many good things to bear positively
on the lives of the children they advocate of behalf of. I think the three biggest are A) accurate development screenings by
someone with eyes on the ground that can provide first-hand information, B)
descriptions of kids and their behavior that highlight their strengths while
recognizing their issues, and C) non-mugshot photos of the kids that show their
personality...capture a smile, show emotion and give a glimpse into their soul
(great job Erin!). Being a photographer,
I understand that requires talent, time, patience...and a bit of luck...much
harder than simply lining them up against a pea-green cinder block wall!
I recognize this is a sweeping generalization, but I
think adoption is most frequently pursued by women. Speakers at conferences report 80-90% of
attendees are female. I wonder how many
wives have been awoken by their husbands “honey, wake up. I couldn’t sleep so I was up looking through
the waiting children lists. I think
we’re supposed to adopt...and I think I found just the boy for us. The moment I saw him I just felt he was our
son. Can you get up and look with
me?” I don’t think it happens like
that...at least not in MY case! I don’t
think women out there, in their bathrobes at 11:00 at night are looking at
waiting children sites, photos, and profiles thinking ’OK, that little guy
looks like someone to do some wrenching with, somebody I could teach to
shingle, and how to drive a snowplow’. I
know this makes it sound like adoptive parents are self-serving in their
pursuit of adoption. I personally think
we all are to some extent. I think we
have children (regardless of how) with at least some expectations, hopes and
dreams for the pleasure they will bring us.
I personally feel guilty that my wife was the driving
force in our adoptions. Why wasn’t it
me? Why did I not respond to the call to
care for the orphans in their time of need?
It took my wife 11 years to get me to agree (of course...I wouldn’t
change things for the world...that’s one of the many things I love about my
wife!!). Not proud of that delay on my
part...because the reason...quite frankly...was selfishness. I was busy enough already. But I am also, as a Christian, incredibly
convicted and called to task by scriptures.
Why is it that more men are not being champions of caring for the
fatherless? I think if we were, more of
those boys would find forever families earlier in their processes and be spared
the injustices and pain of making it on their own.
So...guys (and gals) - check out those waiting boys. They’re
not defective or mysterious creatures (no more so than your husband, brother or
father is!). You’ve got a clean carpet
in your hallway just aching for some muddy footprints, a perfectly good grass
trimmer in need of disassembly, and a heart ready for loving a child! In return, you’ll find a heart ready to grab
hold and hang on...when they realize that someone loves them for exactly who
they are in a way that will never change.
Someone that will hold them when they’re scared...encourage them when
their timid...and just smile at them when they reveal they have a frog in their
pocket in church...because he is YOUR boy and you wouldn’t want it any other
way!
